


Angels Are Watching Over You

by Turn_Into_Earth_Castiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying Dean Winchester, Fluff, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Human Castiel (Supernatural), Human Jack Kline, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, Love Confessions, M/M, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Romance, Suicidal Thoughts, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:54:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27887881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Turn_Into_Earth_Castiel/pseuds/Turn_Into_Earth_Castiel
Summary: Dean tries his best to keep going, despite the Darkness making him learn his true desires, until he gets a late night visit from who he believed to be his guardian angel. was he wrong...Canon divergence around seeason 11–the boys are trying to beat the Darkness, only Jack is also a part of the team free will family. Lucifer is possessing Cas and Dean finds out in a horrible way. will he and Cas ever be able to move on?
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 67





	1. Drowning

**Author's Note:**

> so this fic is kinds dark, but I think it has a lot of fluff and romance to put back together the broken pieces, after I tore our boys apart:)
> 
> trigger warnings:  
> Graphic rape, description of rape injuries  
> Very brief but it is there – mention of suicidal thoughts  
> Lots of angst but always followed by a supportive Sammy and Cas and with a happy ending

Hold the day  
Make it through and fall into the light  
All the way  
A carnival of causes and delight  
Because we can't become  
Victim of a sum  
Cradle our desire  
To keep from drowning  
\- Drowning, Radio Company

Dean was having another late night drink in the bunker’s library.  
The past couple of weeks hit him hard, the feeling of Amara pulling him towards her, was too hard to ignore.  
He could feel her, all the time, calling out for him. And he could feel himself… Wanting her back . It’s like she put a spell on him.  
When she finally told him her endgame – destroy earth and become one with Dean, he was bewildered. She made him an offer. She wasn’t gonna force him, because she knew he wouldn’t resist. She was so sure of herself, it made Dean question everything he knew to be true in his heart.

“I was the beginning, and I will be the end” she told him. Just think about it.

He drank his whiskey and sighed. What was happening to him? He didn’t know her, he didn’t love her, he had Sammy and earth to save.  
But there was some other feeling as well, that was keeping Dean from being fully committed to the Darkness, despite her pull on his mind. 

He was starting to see it more clearly now. Ever since that day the Darkness came down on earth, she has not only released Dean’s desire for her; She made him see and feel everything that was bottled up inside of him. She released all his inhibitions and barriers and now he could see, really see, what his mind was trying to deny him for so long.  
And in that point, standing there with her, surrounded only by black smoke and the deafening silence, in his mind, was an angel. He could see his blue eyes, his black feathers ruffling, his soft hands and kind loving smile. 

He was blind, and then he could see. 

All the shy glances he used to run away from, the light touch of a hand on his shoulder, always reassuring and comforting, and the heat pulling up in his core when they were close. It all started surfacing, taking shape, from the suppressed thoughts and feelings he had buried deep in the back of his mind, and into a defined form of a great wall, shattering his whole being, and leaving nothing else. 

It’s like Amara switched on the lights, and now he couldn’t ignore the things he wanted the most in life. 

So now, Dean was spending his days doing more of the same – drinking and thinking, trying to shut down his brain. He wanted to focus on what’s actually important, beating Amara and saving the earth. But there was nothing they could find, with God being away somewhere, not caring about them, hiding, or maybe dead?

They were at a lost.

And on their own.

With Cas looking for new leads on Amara, and Sam and Jack gone for a simple ghost hunt, Dean was, again, hitting the books. He would much rather be out on the hunt himself, not stuck in the library, like Sam is so used to be doing. But they both agreed Sam and Jack should use some time together for hunting and practice Jack’s self control, and Dean wasn’t really up for that right now. He had too much on his mind, with Amara messing with him, making him doubt everything in his life. He didn’t trust himself fully at the moment.

Sam had his hands full with Jack, taking on the dad role very seriously, and Cas… where was Cas? Dean couldn’t help but feel a little pinch in his heart.

The past few weeks he felt like Cas is more MIA than present, even at times he was with them. He seemed detached in some way. Like he was Cas, but something is bothering him and at the same time he was carefree in a weird way. He was just a little different and he and Dean haven’t had a real conversation in so long, he just felt even more off balance. 

He drank his glass of Whiskey while reading some old book with zero hints on anything related to God or the Darkness. He sighed in despair, massaging his temples, and that’s when he heard the familiar flap of wings behind him, letting him know Cas is there. He smiled to himself and turned around. 

It was late at night, Sam called him earlier to let him know they’re finally on their way home after 4 days out, and he was glad to have Cas just to himself for a little while. 

“Hello, Dean” Cas said in his low voice, but he had the hint of a smirk, and Dean raised a brow.

“Heya Cas, any news?” Dean asked casually as he poured some Whiskey in a new glass and handed it out for him.

“Bottoms up” Cas said and downed the whole thing.

Dean gave him his questioning look, waiting for some good news, perhaps.

“Nothing new at the moment. And yourself?” Cas asked as he leaned over the table, crossing his arms together over his chest, making his muscles tight under his button up shirt. Dean had to hold his breath for a moment. He was best friends with the angel, they were…family. 

But Dean found it harder and harder to ignore the feeling of heat coming up to his cheeks, and starting to burn deep in his belly, every time Cas was so near him, looking at him with those big blue eyes.

“Nothing, man. I’ve had it with research.” He shook his head and closed the book in front of him, shoving it away.

“Where are Sam and Jack?” Cas suddenly asked.

“Finishing a job. Sam is playing dad to Jack” Dean said rolling his eyes. Cas flinched at that, like the words hurt him somehow.

“Hey, don’t feel left out, Jack knows you always got his back, Cas. “ Dean tried reassuring him, and apparently it worked cause Cas was now smirking at him in a look Dean hardly ever saw him give out.

“You OK, buddy?” Dean asked shyly. Cas bent down a little so he was at eye level with Dean, and so so close. Dean felt uncomfortable and moved his head back as much as he could, trying not to come across as strange. But on second thought, would the angel even notice a “strange” behavior from someone? 

“You know, there’s something I’ve just been itching on doing for weeks” Cas said in a sly smile. 

“Yeah, what’s that?” and before Dean could finish talking, Cas snapped his fingers and they were suddenly standing in Dean’s room. 

“What’s going on, Cas?” Dean asked, not understanding what’s really happening. Cas seemed so far away from him lately, and now he wanted to have a private talk in Dean’s room? Even when Sam wasn’t even home and they had the entire bunker available?

“You know, I have been thinking about doing this for so long now. Years, actually” he said, emphasizing the “I”, causing Dean to tilt his head in wonder.

“Do what?” Dean asked, his voice trembling a little. Cas took one step towards him. Suddenly Dean started thinking maybe Cas is… into him? like…the way Dean might be into him? But that wasn’t possible; angels don’t swing that way, do they? And yet here Cas was, looking at him so intently, Dean was starting to get hard.

Cas’s face was now very much in Dean’s personal space, and before Dean knew it, Cas put his lips on top of his, kissing him hard and holding his mouth with one hand. It hurt, not like Dean would imagine Cas kissing him, and then Cas was biting his lip, causing it to bleed. Dean tried pulling away from the aggressive kiss, not sure what to think, but soon realized he couldn’t. Cas’s hold was strong, like, angel strong, not allowing him to move. He went on to shove Dean on the wall, only releasing his mouth when Dean hit his back hard on the wall, groaning in pain.

“What the hell Cas!” Dean was mad, overwhelmed, aroused, and so so confused. 

But the look he got back from the angel when he opened his eyes, sure made things clear.

Dean gasped.

This.

Wasn’t.

Cas.

Dean took a shaky breath. 

All the color began draining from his face, as he realized, he has no idea who and what was pinning him against that wall right now.

“who are you?” he tried using his deep angry voice, but Cas just drew his head back and laughed so hard, his entire body was quavering with excitement.

“Oh, Dean, you poor bastard. All that time I was inside your precious sweet angel and you didn’t even notice.” His voice was less husky than Cas’s now, more animated and theatrical, and then his face got all serious with nothing but hard lines of dominance and cold eyes.

“I’m the better angel. You could say… Daddy’s favorite” he said with a wink, causing Dean to gasp.  
Could it be? No freaking way.

Cas, you child. What have you done?

“Lucifer?” he asked in amazement

“That’s a bingo!” he sing song, all happy to finally be revealed.

“It was so tedious playing your little pet angel.” He rolled his eyes. Dean tried to move but Lucifer moved his hand in the air towards Dean and he felt like a ton of brick was crushing over his chest. He had a hard time breathing.

“You son of a bitch” Dean said, all choked up.

“What? I just wanted to have some fun before the big party is getting started. You know, God and his little games with Aunty Amara, that couldn’t end well now, could it? Well I never had real intention of helping anyone with that sticky situation, but oh how poor Cas begged me to ride his ass!” 

Lucifer was now yelling the words with passion in his eyes, and Dean was overwhelmed, not sure how to get himself out of that situation. His mind was at a blank.

“Well now I’m gonna ride not only his ass, but his best budd’s” he whispered close to Dean’s face and turned him around to face the wall.

“Get the hell away from me, and from Cas, you twisted sonofabitch, you hear me?” Dean was yelling. His face was squashed against the wall and he couldn’t move. He heard a snort of laughter right behind his ear, making his skin crawl and than a wet tongue was licking his ear all the way to his neck. He tried jerking his face away, but couldn’t, of course.

“Hmm, salty.” Lucifer smacked his lips in an obscene noise.

“I’m going to kill you myself” Dean muttered in anger and hate.

“I would really like to see you try, Dean. All naked and tied up, that might be a bit hard, don’t you think?”  
And before Dean could ponder on that, he was on his own bed, totally naked, on his back. All shame was lost at the moment - he was still not tied up as promised, and he figured he should fight his hardest before that happens. And so he began throwing punches, hitting Lucifer’s shoulder, which didn’t seem to bother him much. In return, the angel smiled and punched effortlessly at Dean’s right shoulder, sending him over the bed, groaning and whimpering as he held his arm in pain. It felt out of place. 

He didn’t have much time to think, and Lucifer raised him again, punching his face one time and asking, “Had enough?” with a big smile.  
Dean spat blood in his face.

“Now now, remember, Cas is still in here. Watching and feeling everything, so I would put on my bestest behavior. I mean, that is your first time together isn’t it?” he asked in mocked interest and adoration. 

“Let’s make him enjoy this” he yelled and snapped his fingers. Now Dean was on his hands and knees, his hands tied up to the head board with Cas’s tie. He could probably break free from that in no time, but he could not get away from Lucifer, so even as he tugged and tried moving, a huge invisible force was holding him right in place. He was now very much aware of the fact he was naked and his ass was hanging out. He shuddered.

“So, this is what Cas has been dreaming about all those years?” he heard from behind and swallowed hard. He could feel his skin burning from fear and shame.

“Let me go” Dean growled but that of course only encouraged Lucifer, and he started touching him, putting his hand on Dean’s ass. Dean flinched so hard, he was thrashing, his hands started bruising over the soft fabric of the tie on his wrists. Lucifer was stroking his back from his shoulder blades down to his hip bone, and then he felt another hand reaching out and spreading his legs. He tried fighting it but no luck. He started panting, sweat covering his forehead and the back of his neck. 

Sammy, get over here! He screamed internally.

“Cas, reject him!” he tries reasoning.

“Sorry, Cas can’t come to the phone right now, Dean. But he sends his regards.” He heard a zipper opening, and he knew Lucifer was undressing.

'That sick fuck'

“Cas, you can fight this. Come on. Cas, stop this!”

Dean was almost screaming, begging, and a hit came down on his right arm, making him drop his head to the bed, his hands stretching even more while his shoulder is being pulled away from its place. He moaned and shed tears from the amount of pain. He knew his shoulder must be broken or at least dislocated, and in his current position, every small movement felt like daggers twisting inside his arm.

But he couldn’t focus on that much longer, as Lucifer was now being pressed against him. Naked. Dean could feel Cas’s hard cock against his bare ass, and he stifled a whimper.  
Was this really happening?

He bit his lips, trying so hard to come up with a way to untangle himself, to make Cas take control, to hurt Lucifer enough to run away, but every thought came to a stop when he realized he was still tied up, unable to act on any idea he might have.

“You don’t wanna do this. God will be back, he’ll be pissed” Dean tried warning him but even he knew it was a waste of time. He heard the snort from behind him as Lucifer spread Dean’s legs apart and without any notice, grabbed Dean’s cock in his hand - Cas’s hand, holding it firm. He was now soft and wanted to vomit at the touch.

“God can bite me” Lucifer said in a stone cold voice and than his hand was gone and Dean could taste his own salted tears, sliding down to his bleeding mouth. He tries breathing deep.

'Sammy'. 

He will come soon, he will walk through the door any second now.

He didn’t let his brain finish his thought – yeah, and what exactly will Sam do against the devil himself?

He just needed to hold on to something.

And then the world came to a stop.

The air was ripped away from his lungs all at once, as a sudden massive pain was piercing through his entire body.  
Lucifer had shoved his dick into Dean’s rim, and all the way inside, in one hard, fast thrust. 

The only pain Dean ever knew that was this horrible, was from hell, when he was being tortured and carved to the bone. 

He was screaming in pain, at the top of his lungs. The only other sound in the room was Cas’s soft panting and laughter.  
“Yes, Dean, please scream, Cas is loving this, I can feel him enjoying the view”

Lucifer was now moving, pushing his cock in and out of Dean, making the pain a millionth times worst.

Dean was crying, trying to move.

“Stop, please stop” he was screaming. He could feel himself choking and about to black out. But he didn’t. He only wished he did.  
Lucifer was thrusting deep inside him, and Dean could feel the once raw and dry friction, now slick, probably from his own blood. His screams became louder and he couldn’t stop, couldn’t move, couldn’t save himself, only feel the pure pain, just like in hell.

“Yes, Dean, just like that” Lucifer was mocking him, talking like Cas in a low husky voice.

“Please…. “ Dean tried begging again, but why would Satan care?

“I think you’re missing out a little in that position” Lucifer said at some point, pulled away from Dean and released his hands, turning him around so he was flat on his back now. Cas’s face smiled fondly at him. Dean’s heart shattered into a million pieces.

“Cas, stop him” he cried in defeat. He got a head shake as an answer.

“I AM Cas, am I not? And I say, let’s have some more fun, lover boy” he had a big smile, not reaching his eyes that were ice cold.

“What do you, want you sick fuck?” Dean spat at him, tears still streaming down his face.

“This right here. I want my aunt to know she can’t have all her toys for herself, and Castiel to see that you don’t belong to him. I want what I want, when I want it.” He shrugged unapologetically and before Dean could respond, Lucifer was shoving hid dick inside him again, fucking him raw and hard, like nothing Dean ever thought was possible.

Dean was screaming again, shutting his eyes, not wanting to look, but Lucifer forced them open with a small finger snap, and so Dean had to look him in the eyes, Cas’s eyes, as he was raping him.

'I can’t take much more of this… please.. God, help me.'

Dean was begging, praying, but it did him no good. 

The pain grew stronger and at some point he wished he had died from it, remembering someone once told him you can die from pain alone, and he wanted it so badly now.  
Unfortunately he remained awake and felt every second of it, his throat hurting from the screams, but he couldn’t stop them from escaping his mouth.  
As his screams grew louder, and his whole being was centered around the hot burning pain in his ass, he was less aware of Lucifer becoming distracted, glancing at the door. He couldn’t hear anything anymore, except the blood rushing inside his head, the pain in his ass piercing through him, burning his entire body, spine, back and stomach, his shoulder blades not feeling like a part of his body anymore, and every nerve end in his body is at his ass, making him forget anything else existed at all. 

He felt like an animal, losing all sense of humanity, like in hell.

But then the door swung open and everything happened so fast, and Sammy and Jack were standing there.

“That’s my cue” he heard Cas say and then there was a bright blue beam of light shooting out of Cas in a loud thunder.

Dean’s eyes rolled in the back of his head, for a few seconds. 

When he could see again, Cas was on the floor, panting, and Sam and Jack were standing next to him.

“Dean” Sam yelled and ran over to him. 

Dean pulled back in panic. He was naked and aware of how it all looked. 

“Get out!” Dean started yelling, his voice so horsed he choked. 

Sam ignored him and approached him anyway.

“It’s ok man, he’s gone, it’s over” he reassured Dean

“Get the fuck out, all of you.” Dean spat out without looking at them.

Jack was out in a second, but Sam didn’t move.

Cas started returning to himself, and stood up. 

“Dean...” he began, but Dean looked away like he was being burnt alive at the sound of his voice.

“Get out” he whimpered, not being able to look at Cas, fear still washing over him. Cas left without another word.

“Dean, you need help, you’re hurt” Sam said, biting his lips. He knew this wasn’t gonna be easy.

“I said, Leave me alone” he was screaming again, his body moving with anger, and he fought back the new tears from spilling over.  
Sam didn’t know what to do, but Dean was awake and mad and there was nothing he could do against that. 

“OK, relax, I’m leaving, but I’m right outside when you want me” Sam was saying, tears in his eyes. Dean’s jaw was locked so hard, trying to keep it together, he didn’t say anything.  
“I’m right here for you, brother” Sam said gently and left the room, closing the door behind him.

Only then, Dean allowed himself to fall apart.  
His body slumped down on the bed.  
With his left arm, he pulled the covers over his naked body, and started shaking like crazy, soft whimpers and moans escaping his lips.

Without any control over the matter, his mind played for him all his “best” moments in his short life; Mom burning, dad dying, Hell, Purgatory, the life he built with Lisa and Ben, the death the followed him everywhere, touching every single person he ever cared about.  
And Lucifer.  
His mom always told him that angels were watching over him, and as an adult he learned it was true. The angels had his parents meet and fall in love, they watched Dean and his family his entire life. They could bend time and events, if needed, but every time Cas has zapped him to his parent’s past, he couldn’t change anything.  
The angels were always there, but what have they done for him?  
They were only watching from the side lines as his life was being destroyed, time after time.

As the tears kept flowing, and Dean not being able to move or do anything else at the moment, he closed his eyes and prayed to whatever angel was listening, to never have been born at all.


	2. chapter 2

Cas was trapped. He could feel himself lost and numb, not having a body to control and no mind to hold on his own. 

Lucifer was keeping him completely neutralized, but he never closed the door for Cas to see, hear and feel everything that was going on while he walked around pretending to be him, for weeks.

‘Dean’ he tried calling countless times, when he saw those green hypnotizing eyes staring right at him.   
But nothing came out.

He wasn’t in charge over this vessel anymore.

He knew something was not right since the moment he said yes to the devil. He made a judgment call, in the heat of the fight, trying to save the world from Amara, trying to save Dean from the Darkness. So he trusted Lucifer, but he should have known better.

He could feel Lucifer’s joy from occupying his vessel, drowning Cas for days, at first.   
He couldn’t breath, he was deep underwater, and he knew he had been tricked. After a few days the torture stopped and he was on dry land again. Still trapped, but now he was just standing around in a big dark room, or not a room? He couldn’t even tell.   
It was just all dark and black around him, nothing else around. 

And then after so long, as it felt like, anyway - there was light, and it was like a small window opened just a crack. He walked up to it.  
He was blinded by the light, but soon he adjusted, starting to hear voices, see movement infront of him.

“So you’re saying heaven has nothing for us?”  
Sam. it was Sam talking.  
“Sorry, nothing yet. I’ll keep looking, Sam. don’t worry, we’ll find something soon enough.”  
It was him speaking. only not him. He could hear himself talking but it was Lucifer, using his voice and his body. He could actually see himself lay a hand on Sam’s shoulder. He felt cold and hate washing over him, but Sam could not sense that, he smiled fondly at Cas, and then it was all dark again.

So Cas was trapped.

And Lucifer was playing the boys, his boys, into thinking it was him.  
Of course he didn’t tell them about the deal. He was never gonna tell them.   
And now what? How can I ever escape if no one even knows I’m missing?

He was literally in the dark, except when Lucifer wanted him to be awake and watching.  
“So, this is what Cas has been dreaming about all those years?”

Cas wanted to claw his way out and fight, and destroy Lucifer. 

But he was only a silent watcher in the most horrific movie he has even seen.

Lucifer was torturing Dean, raping him, while using Cas’s body.

Reject him, Cas! Fight him!

He could feel Dean beg him to take charge, and he tried so hard. But he couldn’t do a damn thing. Lucifer’s grip was too tight and there was never really any chance, he knew it. But that didn’t stop him from trying. He felt himself being drained slowly as his essence was doing its best to help save Dean from the monster that was him.  
He could see it all. Feel it. Dean’s naked broken body, and him entering him. He didn’t have any physical feeling of the bodies, but in his mind he could almost touch the reality that was forced on them both. He knew Dean couldn’t take much more, he will soon die and all because of him.

'Please, stop this'  
He begged to Lucifer, a useless act of desperation.  
And then Jack and Sam were there, and Cas suddenly felt fear – Lucifer was afraid of Jack.   
And so, he left his vessel and Cas was back.  
***

Dean had no idea had long he was laying in his bed. He could feel everything. His throat was sore, his lip swollen, his right cheek felt like it was on fire. His shoulder was probably dislocated, and he needed Sammy to put it back in place, soon. He couldn’t think about the other things; About the blood flowing freely down his thighs, the pain radiating through his muscles from the inside and up all the way to his belly, his back, like his entire nerve system was lit, every nerve end exploding and making him feel it all. 

At some point he dosed off, and the next time he woke up it was from the feeling of something wet. He looked down on himself. He was covered in his own pee. He muffled a cry, thinking he should call Sam for help, but he was too ashamed. Maybe he could just get himself to the shower first, and then Sam can pop his shoulder back? He tried getting up and out of bed, only to scream in such intense pain that he was seeing black for a full minute. His ears were ringing, and his vision was blurry, but when he came to it, he heard a knock on the door.

"Dean" Sam was calling, waiting for an answer. Dean tried saying "yeah" but nothing above a whisper would leave his mouth.

"I'm coming in" Sam said after a few seconds and opened the door. Dean was facing the other way, on his side, a blanket coving his waist.

"Dean, will you let me help you?" Sam said with concern deep in his voice. 

Dean turned his head and nodded yes, not looking him in the eyes. 

Sam immediately sprung to action. He went over to Dean's side of the bed, crouched on the floor, and looked him deep in the eyes. Dean was staring hard at the floor, avoiding his gaze.

"What hurts the most?" he asked, realizing he can't do the emotional talk right now, and it's just best to get into the care giver mode.

"Shoulder popped out" Dean said in a horsed voice. Sam nodded and stood up.

"OK, let's pop it back in then, lay on your back"

When Dean turned to do so, a pain shot right in his ass and his eyes rolled in his head, and he was seeing black again. After a moment, his vision returned, Sam was above him, waiting for him to calm down.

"OK, I'm gonna do this on 3. 1,2…" and Dean was out.

~~~  
The next time he woke up his arm was in a sling, but he still hadn’t moved. Sam was sitting next to him. The room smelled like pee and blood.

"Dean, I need to look at your… injury." Sam bit his lip as he said the words, trying not to scare Dean too much, but of course it was of no use. Dean started gagging and panting.

"Hey, hey, relax. I'm not doing anything you don't want me too, man. But you have to do something."  
Dean just shook his head no.

"Listen, you'll feel much better after we fix you up. I know it hurts, but you have to let me help" Sam was begging.   
You don't know, Dean was thinking angrily, but he knew Sam is right.

"I can't move" Dean finally said. his voice was raw and broken from screaming so loud.

"I have some pain killers. Let's try taking them and then treat you, what do you say?"  
Dean was silent for a minute and then, "yeah, OK".

Sam gave him the pills and after 20 minutes he could feel his muscles relax a bit, like he won't die if he tries to move, and he wiggled his body a bit without fainting.   
Sam smiled at him.  
"OK, so I'm just gonna…" he started and his cheeks were painted red. He had to look into Dean's butt, to see the damage. Dean began to cry silent tears and bit his lip as he rolled on his other side, away from Sam, and pulling down the blanket covering him.

After a few seconds he could feel a hand touching his ass and he flinched with a loud whimper.  
"Sorry"   
Dean panted and tried to ease back.  
"It's only me, not doing anything, try to relax"   
And there it was again, the touch over his raw skin. Fingers were spreading his ass cheeks as he was shaking like crazy, but after a few seconds it was over. The blanket was on him again. He was still shaking.  
Sam put his hand on dean's head to comfort him.

"You don't need stitches, but we need to get you to the shower, clean you up."  
And so Sam carried Dean to the bathroom, helping him stand in the shower, his slinged arm covered in a plastic bag, and he couldn’t sit, so it was hard and awkward and painful but Sam managed to clean Dean up as best he could. 

Blood was streaming down his legs and on the floor, mixing with the water and going down the drain. He wouldn’t let Sam wash him there, so he did that part himself, crying in pain the moment he touched his bruised rim.  
Sam helped him get dry, get dressed and carried him back to his room. He made Dean agree to Sam putting numbing cream in there, and as humiliating as it was, he couldn’t have done it by himself with his arm in a sling.   
When they were done, Dean was feeling a little better.

"Rest now. If you need me, just call ok?"   
Dean nodded. 

Before Sam left the room, he asked, "where's Cas?"  
Sam turned around, not sure what to say.

"He's… here. Lucifer is gone." He tried to be reassuring.  
Dean didn’t know how he was feeling. The thought of Cas was terrifying, but it wasn't really him, it was Lucifer. And he needed Cas. he was so conflicted, but the pain in his heart overcame everything when he said,

"Can you call him?" 

"Are you sure, Dean? What for?" Sam was really not loving this idea.

"Yes, please" that's all Dean said and then closed his eyes to let Sam know the conversation is over. 

Sam sighed in sadness and left the room.

In that moment, the only thing Dean wanted more then Cas at his side, was to die. And since he didn't have any energy to even lift a finger, he would take the other option of having Cas back again. He closed his eyes and waited.  
~~~  
It's been hours. Cas was pacing in his room, he was like a caged animal. All he wanted was to rip Lucifer's head off and burn him alive, skin him, hurt him, as badly as he did to Dean. He felt like he might explode with emotion, the memories of what he did are burned in his mind. Dean screaming at the top of his lungs, not even words, just screams of horror and pain from his body being torn to shreds. 

He needed to help him, to heal him, but he was human now and he couldn't even do that. He was useless, and all he ever did was hurt Dean and cause him sorrow and pain. He started to slow his pace, sitting down on his bed and panting, suddenly unable to breathe. Images of his hands killing people were flashing before his eyes, the people Lucifer killed while using him. The way he toyed with them, his laugher - Cas' laughter. 

And Dean. His Dean. 

Naked and ashamed and bound to the bed, spread out and humiliated as Cas was entering his body, making him bleed and tear and break from the inside out. His stomach suddenly dropped and he ran to the bathroom, vomiting into the toilet. He wanted to die.   
He wanted to make sure Dean was…fine. Well, he knew he wasn't fine, but he wanted so badly to be with him. He knew Dean would never want that. He probably won't be able to ever look at him again. 

Cas returned to his room and started crying. He was so ashamed. He will never be able to face them again. He needed to leave. To let Dean and Sam heal in peace and forget about him. He started packing his things in his duffel bag, the one Dean gave him when he became human and started going with them on hunts.   
His heart filled with warmth at the memory, remembering Dean smiling bright and saying "you're my wing-hunter now, Cas" and winked at him. He blushed at that and took the bag without a word, too flustered to answer. 

Now he put his stuff in that bag, with a much heavier heart.  
He was almost done packing when a light knock on the door made him jump. He immediately went over to open it, and there was Sam standing in front of him. He looked pale and kinda sick, and Cas couldn’t stand to look him in the eyes for more that a second before he looked down at the floor.

"Cas…" he started but Cas interrupted him

"I am leaving. I was just taking my things. You won't have to ever see me again" Cas said as he bit his lip. He knew it was the right thing to do, but he also felt a little angry, because a small part of him was thinking that it wasn't really him who hurt Dean and it wasn't really fair and he doesn’t want to stay away but he has no choice. Still, he said non of those things. The guilt and shame were the emotions overpowering everything at this moment.

"Cas, don't. we need you. Dean needs you" Sam said in a soft voice. Cas lifted his head to look at Sam again.

"What?" he was confused. Why would Dean need him after that?

"He's asking for you" Sam said with a worried look. Cas could tell he wasn’t pleased with that. And he could understand why

"I don’t think that's wise. What I did… Dean…" Cas couldn’t even form the words, it was all too horrible to talk about, to make sense of. He just knew that he was bad for Dean right now. So why did Dean still want to see him? He was so utterly confused.

"I agree with you, but that's what he wants" Same's voice was hard, mostly neutral but he could feel and anger bubbling up inside, trying to reign it in. he was the most sympathetic and understanding guy in the world, he always gave people the benefit of the doubt, always asking questions first and shooting later. But his brother was seriously hurt, and he was pissed. 

"He wants to see me? Now?" Cas was still not sure this is what Sam meant by "Dean needs you".   
Maybe he just means he needs Cas to go find an angel to heal Dean? He could try, but he knew most of the angels hated him and would never agree to help. They would laugh in his face. He had no place in heaven anymore, he was an outcast.

Only the Winchesters ever gave him a proper home and sense of family. He felt another massive ache clutching his chest.  
Sam just nodded at him, not saying a word, but not leaving either. Cas knew he was trying to make sure Dean gets what he wants, even if Sam hates that idea, he wasn’t gonna let Cas leave the bunker like that, not when Dean needs him.   
So he cleared his throat, tried putting on a brave, calm face, and walked out the door and down the hall to Dean's room.  
~~~

Dean did end up drifting to sleep, when a knock on the door woke him up.

"Dean?" he heard Cas' voice and a few seconds later he opened the door.

Dean looked at him. Cas' eyes were so blue. Blue and sad and tired. 

It was him.

"Cas…" he said in a soft voice and tears ran down his face the moment his name slipped his lips.

Cas just stood there, looking at him like he was looking at a wounded animal, looking like a wounded animal himself, too afraid to move.

"Oh Dean." Cas said as his heart broke at the sight of his favorite person in the world hurting this bad.

Dean lifted his bad arm, gesturing for Cas to come over. He closed the door and walked slowly toward the bed.   
Again, Dean gestured him to sit, and so he did.

"Dean, I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say. How can I help you?" Cas seemed lost.

"Cas, is Lucifer gone?" Dean finally asked, not looking into his eyes, but at the comforting trench coat he loved so damn much.

"Yes, he is. When he realized Jack was here, he took off. He doesn't know Jack has no powers. He left without a fight. The bunker is warded. Nothing is coming in here. You're safe. If you want me to leave, just say so. I think it's for the best, actually, if I leave." 

Dean finally looked at him wide eyed.

"No. don't leave me again" new tears were spilling from his eyes again.

"Please, Cas." he begged as sobs started coming out in between ragged breaths.

"Whatever you want, I'll do it. I just want you to heal" and again Cas was beating himself up about not having his powers anymore.

"c'mhere" Dean slurred after he calmed down a bit.

"I am here" Cas said confused. Dean wanted to roll his eyes at the angel.

"Closer" he whispered.

"Dean… are you sure?" Dean was just raped by this body, and he wanted it to comfort him? 

Cas knew it was a bad idea. But also, he wanted Castiel, not because of his body, because of him. 

Cas didn't hurt him, not his soul, not Castiel.

"I need you." Dean choked out and Cas felt like a kick in the gut. 

Dean still wanted him, even after that. He took his shoes and trench coat off, and very carefully settled in the bed, laying next to Dean, facing him.  
Dean still had tears streaming down his face but he seemed calmer.

Cas brushed his thumb over Dean's cheek, the one that didn't have a sever burn mark and let out a long sigh.  
"Dean… My Dean… " Cas looked pained. Dean closed his eyes for a moment.

"I missed you. So much." Dean said when he opened his eyes. 

"You did? But I was here. I mean Lucifer…" Cas trails off.

"I know. but it felt off. You weren’t you." Dean bit his lip and Cas reached down to free it with his index finger.

"Dean, I tried fighting it so hard. I couldn’t. I'm so sorry I said yes to him, it was stupid and arrogant and it got you badly hurt"

"Hey, stop that. S'not your fault."   
Cas was amazed by Dean's words. After all this and Dean still didn’t blame him, wasn't angry at him?

He leaned in, pressing his forehead to Dean's.

"Is this ok?" 

"More then ok. Cas, would you…" Dean started saying but couldn’t finish. He wanted Cas to hold him, hug him, comfort him, but he didn’t have the words to ask.  
"Tell me what do you need, I'll do anything you wish, Dean." 

Cas, his angel, always there for him. Dean's heart was aching with love and he needed him closer, now.

"Hold me" he said in a broken voice, not looking at him directly. He heard a soft gasp but Cas never said a word as he took Dean in his arms, placing his head on his chest, looping his arm around his waist and hugging him. 

Dean held him tight, clinging to his shirt like a life saver. 

They stayed like that for a while.

"Are you in any pain right now?" Cas asked after some time. Dean wasn't asleep, which made him think he might be in pain.

"Only if I move. But s'ok. Sam took care of me." He said as his cheeks got all red.  
"OK." Was all Cas said.

They stayed in silent for another long period of time.

And then.

"I love you, Dean" Cas's voice cut through the silence; Tears ran down his cheeks and his breathing was steady but heavy. 

Dean should have been shocked to his core. But he wasn't. maybe he was too hurt, pained, and drained to have a reaction, or maybe he just didn't care how crazy this was, cause he was done pretending. He wasn't making things up. He was right to believe there was something there. 

"How long?" was all he could say as he looked Cas in his eyes.

"I think… Always." he brought his palm up to Dean's face and caressed his cheek.

Dean closed his eyes and hummed.

Cas wasn't sure what to do, but after a few minutes, he could feel Dean embrace him even harder, and as he was drifting off to sleep again, he murmured, "I was always in love with you. Just didn't know it"

Cas' heart felt like it was going to burst with love, and he hoped Dean will feel the same way after he's more awake and aware, less hurt and vulnerable. But at this moment, he held Dean, stroked his hair and kissed his temple, and took the small win in this horror show they were currently in.


	3. chapter 3

Dean slept for 4 hours straight, only waking up to the feeling of his tight bladder. 

He moved his body just a bit, not able to change his position, and that's when he realized Cas was still holding him, sleeping himself. 

As Dean shifted, Cas also stirred and opened his eyes. They were unfocused for a few seconds, but then landed on Dean, who was looking right at him.

"Are you ok? Are you in pain?" Cas immediately asked in a soft whisper.

"Have to pee" Dean was starting to feel panic rising up. How will he be able to go to the bathroom? he can barely move, let alone walk. 

Cas nodded and slipped from under Dean, standing up next to him.

"Do you want to walk?" Cas asked, his face turning a bit red. Dean felt ashamed when he said "don't think I can".

The next thing he knew, strong arms were around him, one hand behind his knees, another one snaking behind his back as Cas was staring deep into his eyes.

"I'm gonna carry you. If you're hurting, let me know, ok?" Cas was worried about hurting him, but this was the best option. 

Dean closed his eyes and let Cas lift him up, very carefully and gently. He couldn’t even hold on to him because of the sling, only grab his back with his other hand, which didn’t give him any grip at all, only the comfort of touching Cas.

Cas was human, but still had some super strength left in his body, and it was no effort for him to lift Dean and take him down the hall and into the bathroom. when they reached their destination, he put him down, supporting him as he stood in front of the toilet.   
Dean couldn’t stand up on his own. The moment Cas tried leaving him, he could feel Dean's weight on him, his body starting to wabble.

"Do you want me to call Sam?" Cas was trying to be attentive, give him some privacy, but he was in no condition to be left alone.

"No… just look away" Dean felt the shame creep up on him again, but Cas looked to the side as he kept holding him. Dean used his good hand to pull his dick out of his sweatpants and pee. 

As he felt the release of his bladder emptying itself, tears began to roll down his cheeks again. He didn't know why, and he couldn’t help it. He sniffled, and when he was finished, he tucked himself back in his pants and Cas carried him back to his bed. 

He placed Dean the same way as before, his head on Cas' chest. Dean wanted to hug him so badly, but he couldn’t. 

He wanted to tell Cas so many things. To ask him what happened with Lucifer, why did he say yes, has he been watching this whole time while Lucifer rode shut gun? How was he feeling right now? He must be a wreck, as Sam was after Lucifer. And he wanted to tell him how much he miss him, all the time when he's not around, and how much he needs him, really needs him to hold him and to be there for him, cause he's the only one who really knows him. Even Sam doesn't see into his soul the way Cas does. Cas can always read him like an open book, and Dean spent his entire life craving for that kind of connection; For something to finally ground him to earth, give him a reason to live, not just as an outsider helping the world, but an actual part of it himself, with a personal life. 

He had to many emotions and things he wanted to do, and they all came crushing down on him just when he couldn’t lift a damn finger or even pee by himself.   
"Do you want to talk about it?" Cas broke through his thoughts and he realized he was still crying. Cas reached over the nightstand, finding a piece of tissue and wiping his face from tears and snot. Dean gave him half a smile.

"You didn't have to do that" 

Cas kissed his forehead. "I'll do anything you need me to" he simply said.

Cas' question was still standing in the air between them - does Dean want to talk about it? He didn’t even know the answer. 

"Can you tell me about your heaven?" Cas didn't expect that to come out of Dean's mouth. His confusion was shown on his face, and so Dean added "I remember you said your heaven was an autistic man's Tuesday afternoon. Can you tell me about it?"

And so Cas dove in, and told Dean all about this man, his personal heaven, and why it gave him joy to be there. Dean drifted off while picturing that ever green grass, and Cas' big smile as he watched a carefree grown man feel happiness for all eternity. 

He went to sleep with a soft smile.  
~~~

As the days went by, Dean was feeling better. Well, physically. 

He wouldn’t let Cas leave his side, maybe in fear that something will happen to him, like Lucifer coming back, or maybe he feared Cas will leave again. 

But he also needed his warmth, his comfort, his arms around him as he laid in bed. He needed him when he was crying in pain after limping slowly for the first time to the bathroom by himself. He did it, but the pain in his ass was so sever he had to take massive pain killers and he cried in broken sobs in Cas's arms until he fell asleep, spent.  
Sam was making him food, bringing him his pills, sitting next to his bed while Cas took a shower.  
Dean didn't say much, but he also didn't shut them out. He just let them be. after 4 days he couldn’t hold it anymore… he needed to go to the bathroom. He almost passed out just from the thought of it, his face covering with sweat, his body trembling with fear. Cas was right there to try and calm him down but he needed Sam. He couldn't face Cas with this. He was so embarrassed . 

Sam gave him pain killers, helped him walk to the bathroom and sit on the toilet, leaving him to go stand right outside. Dean sat there for a long time, too afraid, his body won't give. The stress holding him too tight. Eventually he let go, let the pain take over as he was doing his business. The pain was piercing through him all over again, and he sobbed uncontrollably. When he was done, he could see a lot of blood, and he winced at the sight as he stepped into the shower to wash himself carefully.  
Only after two hours he finally came out, facing a very worried Sam with a questioning look. Dean's face was red and puffy from crying. He didn't say a word, just nodded at him and reached for his arm to help him walk back. 

Sam could see how he limped way worst then before, but they didn't say anything about it. When he put him back in his bed, Cas was sitting in a chair next to it, reading a book. Sam left them after pulling the covers over Dean and leaving him the numbing cream, eyeing Cas. 

They knew Dean was too shy to ask.

When they were left alone, Cas crouched down on the floor, his head near Dean's. Dean looked miserable and sad. Cas kissed his cheek, then his forehead, his nose, his eyes, and his lips. Dean breathed hard, enjoying those perfect lips on him.

"Thank you" Dean breathed out. He was grateful for Cas.

"Would you let me help you, Dean?" 

"You are helping me" Dean answered in confusion, looking at him.

Cas waited a moment, letting Dean understand what he's referring to, but Dean said nothing. He grabbed the cream from the nightstand and went back to face Dean

"Let me help you with this" he said, holding up the tube in front of Dean's face. Dean's cheeks turned red in a second and he closed his eyes.

"No" he said firmly.

"Dean. You are in pain. Please. Let me or Sam help you." Cas was almost begging. He didn't mind, he wasn’t gonna let this go, not when his person was suffering, and he had something that can help.

"No…" Dean said again, but more as a plea.

"What are you afraid of?" Cas asked and Dean's eyes snapped open to look at him. He felt so many things, mostly shame. And also, fear. Fear of Cas seeing him like this and never wanting to touch him again, to be with him, to even hold him. Thinking he was damaged like that. Fear of someone touching him there, when even the thought made his skin crawl.

"I…" Dean started but couldn’t get a word out. 

Luckily, Cas knew him, and knew exactly what was going on in his mind.

"Dean, I'm here for you. For anything you need. I will never hurt you. I will never think any less of you." As he said the words, Dean's eyes filled with tears again, but he nodded his silent consent. 

Cas kissed his tears streaked cheeks. 

He got up and went over to the other side of the bed, sitting behind Dean. He pulled down his pants, and he could hear how he was holding his breath, trying to keep from shaking.

"It's just me. Cas. don't worry." Cas kept reassuring him as he spread his cheeks and took a look at his red rim. His heart broke to see it, but he moved quickly and put the numbing cream, massaging it a little so it absorbs faster. Dean was crying now, whimpering, but not moving.

"I'm sorry, almost done, just breath for me. You're doing so well" he kept talking, hoping his voice will have some positive impact. By the time he was done and pulling up Dean's pants back up, he realized he was also sobbing loudly himself. He went over back to Dean's side so Dean could see his face and be more in control. Dean had his eyes closed tight.

"Dean…" Cas said in a broken voice. Dean shook his head and kept his eyes shut tight. Cas waited a minute but nothing changed so with a heavy heart he left the room to go wash his hands. When he came back, Dean was covering his face with his good hand, crying hard, hitting the bed with his fist and then back to cover his face. Cas rushed over and got   
into bed next to him

"Dean, stop it. Please" Cas was trying to hold a steady voice but he was on edge as well. 

"No…no…" dean was shaking, thrashing. Cas needed to make him stop, but he didn't know how.

"Please, please, Dean, just breath… should I call Sam?" he was getting panicked.

"No, just let me fucking die" Dean cried out and his sobs got even louder.

At that moment Cas burst into tears all over again, sitting up on the bed with his back to Dean, his head in his hands. But he knew he needed to be there for him right now. 

He turned back and in between cries he pulled Dean's hand away from his face and held it. Dean tried taking it out but Cas held him strong and tight, fighting him for control.

"Stop it, Dean, please" Cas cried out. It didn't make a difference. Dean was frantic.

"Just lemme die" he kept crying

"I can't lose you" Cas yelled at him, making Dean look up at him.

"There's nothing in here, Cas. m'already dead" he slurred bitterly. But he started to calm down a bit.

"No, you're not. You're very much alive, your body and your soul. And I know you are hurt, but you are not hurt beyond repair. You have your brother, you have Jody and Donna and Jack. And me. You can't leave me alone. I won't let you. We need you." Cas managed to chock out. 

Dean saw Cas's pained look, his face tired and eyes red from crying, at that moment he wished it was all different.   
It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Cas wasn’t supposed to see him like this. A broken man, with an angel of heaven? Why would he ever want that?

"I'm broken, Cas" he said in a shaky voice. 

There was silence. 

After a few moment Dean could feel his head being pulled into Cas' lap, his face buried in the warm body trying to offer comfort and love.  
"Then let me put you back together" Cas said in a determined voice. Dean nuzzled his head closer into Cas and finally let go, allowing his body to rest in Cas' embrace.  
~~~

A few weeks later, Dean's physical injuries were almost fully healed.

He was still weak but mostly ok. 

He got up every morning, took a shower, ate his breakfast with Sam, Jack and Cas, and then helped Sam find cases or watch some TV with Jack. Sam and Jack went on a few hunts while Cas stayed bunkered up in the bunker with him. 

~~~

It's been a month and Dean still hasn’t gone outside. 

They were all worried, but too afraid to talk to him. 

~~~

Jody and Donna didn't know anything about what happened, and Cas kept telling Sam he will tell them when he wants to, not wanting to push him. The girls invited them over for the weekend, and Sam had to lie, saying Dean and Cas were hunting. He and Jack went alone, he hated lying to his family but he respected Dean's wishes. 

~~~

It was just Cas and Dean now, Dean was sitting in the kitchen table while Cas was baking them home made pizza's for dinner.   
"My mouth is watering just from the smells" Dean sighed and smiled. Cas was putting all the toppings he knew Dean liked (meaning, lots of meat, no vegetables) and some mushrooms and tomatoes along with the meat on his pizza. He put everything in the over and declared "we have 30 minutes" .

They went over to the living room and turned the TV on. They were binge watching Friends (Cas was seeing it for the first time, so Dean was mostly just looking at him while watching to see his reactions). Dean was nestled in between Cas' legs, Cas' arms wrapped tight around his chest, caressing every surface in his reach.  
From time to time, Dean turned his face into Cas' chest and gave him a kiss or nuzzled his nose into him, making Cas purr with pleasure.

"I was thinking… maybe we could go out for a beer tonight?" Cas asked casually, but there was nothing casual about it. Dean stiffened.

"Why? We have beer" he simply said in a cautious tone.

"I know, just thought it would be nice to go out" Cas was stroking Dean's arm up and down, hoping he won't make him mad and ruin their evening.

"Cas.. I don’t know." Dean just said with a sigh. He didn't really know why, but he didn't feel like leaving the bunker. He felt safe here, maybe. Safer than the outside world. 

But he knew they can't live like that forever.

"Tell me what you're thinking?" Cas urged him.

After a long pause, Dean was ready to try and talk. 

"I'm thinking… it's safe here. It's just us. And out there, who knows what's gonna come at us" Dean was trying to explain, he knew he was sounding weak and pathetic but that's how he felt.

"You're not wrong. It is much safer in here. And we could probably stay here for the rest of our lives with Sam buying food from time to time…" Cas started but Dean cut him off

"Great! It's settled then" 

Cas laughed and pinched his arm, making Dean whine and turn his head to give him the death glare.

"But, then we would spend our entire lives hiding, and that's not who you are. You're a fighter. And you can do this. And I'll be with you." Cas finished his original idea. 

Dean let out a long breath. He knew Cas was right.

He sat up and turned to face Cas now, putting his hands on his shoulders.

"Can I think about it?" 

Cas gave him a big smile. "Of course, Dean. Thank you" he said and gave him his gummy smile. Dean loved that smile and couldn’t resist the urge to dive in for a kiss, locking lips with his favorite person in the world. 

Their bodies were all tangled around each other, pressed chest to chest, until Dean climbed onto Cas' lap, getting impossibly closer as the kiss went on. Cas had his hand on Dean's lower back, the other one holing his head, scraping lightly the back of his neck and pulling his hair lightly. Dean moaned into the kiss, pleasure filling his body.

When he started feeling Cas' dick hardening beneath him, his whole body froze and stopped moving at once. 

"I'm sorry, Dean." He said and tried pulling himself away, so that Dean won't feel his hard on.

Dean was panting but he stayed sited in Cas' lap, his eyes closed.

"s'not your fault. I'm sorry. I know that you want…" 

"I don't need anything you don't want to do. Please don’t worry about that" Cas tried reassuring him. He really didn't mind not having sex. It's not like he used to have regular sex before Dean. 

True, now that he was with Dean, he was turned on a lot, and it was hard, but he could wait as long as Dean needed to. He had no expectations. 

"You say that. But you're human now. I know what you want" Dean looked him in the eyes and bit his lip. Cas released his lip and kissed him softly.

"I only want you, whatever way you want to give me. And if we never have sex for the rest of our lives, I'll be happy just to be with you"

Dean looked him deep in the eyes for a second, then burst into a fit of laughter. Cas was confused.

"Man, that was poetic as hell. But nobody will be happy without getting some, at some point." Dean wiggled his eyebrows. Cas was just happy he got his good mood back and smiled fondly at Dean.

"Well, let's just see how it goes, shall we?" he patted Dean's back, moving him aside to stand up and take his hand.

"Let's go eat our pizza's" he said with a grin, and Dean got up and followed him to the kitchen, peppering kisses on his neck and shoulder as they walked, Dean silently thanking him for his words, that made his heart swell with love.

The pizza was great and they were happy and a little drunk as they went to sleep that night.  
They didn't end up going out, but Dean was feeling better about things. 

He held Cas close, being the big spoon tonight, his leg draped over Cas' waist. They were both wearing their boxers but nothing else, every inch of their body touching.

"Maybe we can go grocery shopping tomorrow" dean murmured in his ear before they fell asleep. 

Cas hummed and pressed himself even closer into Dean, taking his hand and kissing his knuckles.

"That sounds great" 

They both fell asleep with a smile, and for the first time in a month, neither of them woke up from a nightmare in the middle of the night.


	4. chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!

It's been 4 months, and Dean was happy.

He got back to hunting, mostly with Cas, while Sam took off with Jack. 

There were no hard feelings about that. Sam knew Dean has a lot of trouble letting go and leave Cas for long periods of times. He was doing great at hunts, but he couldn’t really do it without Cas by his side. Since Sam had Jack now, and Donna to back him up as needed, it all worked out just fine.

Dean never told Donna and Jody what had happened.  
He came a long way with his healing, but that was something he just couldn’t face doing. Sam told them about Lucifer taking Dean and how that messed him up since he was in Cas' body, but there was no mention of the things he did to him. 

When Dean drove up to meet them and spend the weekend together (with Cas), they were pleased. He seemed happy, holding hands with Cas, kissing his cheeks when he didn’t think anyone was watching, and eating his mouth full of everything in sight. They laughed, watched horror movies, and had a good time. He needed that break.  
When they were leaving, and Cas was putting their stuff in the car, Jody hugged him goodbye. She gave him this look, a look you might get from a disapproving mom (not that he would know).

"You take care of yourself, you hear me?" she said in a serios tone.

"Always am" he said with his famous grin. She wasn’t convinced.

"Honey. You know I can see you with my two eyes, right?" she rolled her eyes. Dean was taken a back.

"What are you talking about?" panic was starting to race through him. Did Sam say something? Did Cas?

"I know you act fine, but I also know that the devil got his hold on you not so long ago, and that's not nothing. You can always talk about it. Don't forget that" she placed her hand   
on his cheek and gave him a little pat.

Dean could feel the tears building up but he made himself hold it in, clenching his jaw tight and looking down for a second before he composed himself again and smiled at her, this time an honest smile.

"Thanks, Jody. I can't talk about it, but being here helps. You, saying that, helps. A lot" he said as his cheeks pinked up. She smiled and gave him another bone crushing hug and sent him on his way.

~~~

Cas didn't say a word.

It's been 4 months, and Dean still wouldn't let Cas touch him bellow the belt, but Cas didn't say a word about it.

They never talked about sex. 

Every night, when they got into bed, they would make out for the longest time, holding each other close, rolling around; Cas would claw and scratch his nails at Dean's back when 

Dean was on top of him, laying between his spread legs; They would kiss and lick and bite, and Dean would suck on Cas' nipples until he was a whimpering mess; And then Dean would slowly ease down, go back to softly kissing Cas and cradle his face in his hands, almost as an unspoken apology, as he would turn around and say goodnight.  
Cas didn't say anything about it, as he went to sleep every night with his painfully hard dick, and broken heart. 

He would hug Dean from behind, try not to press his cock into him, and eventually fall asleep.

He was never in a relationship, and he never had sex with anyone other then April, but he didn’t feel like what was going on between then was right. He didn't know what to do, but he knew if he said anything, Dean will be hurt. 

So he kept quiet.

There was another reason he wouldn’t bring up the subject; he was afraid the problem wasn’t just Dean's trauma and fear of having sex. He was afraid the issue was Dean's his fear from Cas, from seeing and feeling that body again, in a sexual way. And he would be right to not want to ever have sex with him because of that.  
But if Cas had brought it up, and Dean would confirm it, what happens next? Will they still be able to be together? Cas was willing to live without sex, as hard as it was. But will Dean? 

On another sleepless night, he was turning from side to side, ending on his back, as all those thoughts were running through his tired mind. Dean stirred next to him. He rolled over and pressed his body against Cas, kissing his shoulder.

"Baby, why aren't you sleeping?" Dean murmured

"Sorry, go back to sleep" he whispered and kissed his forehead. 

Dean began to cuddle and work his way into Cas, but nothing was close as he wished for, nothing could bring him the comfort his body needed. The only thing he could do was climb on top of Cas, straddle his legs on both sides of his waist, hug him and put his head on his chest. Cas immediately began to stroke his back in soothing motions.

"I love you, Dean"

Dean hugged him even tighter. He knew they need to talk. He knew Cas was frustrated and he knew they can't keep going this way. But he also couldn’t let Cas go, and he was too afraid he would leave him. He was selfish that way. He needed Cas and he would do anything to keep him.  
After what felt like forever, both of them were still awake, the room dark and quiet, when Dean finally said,

"Please don't give up on me. I'm trying"

Cas was stunned at the words. It might not seem much, but for Dean, this was a lot.

"I'm always here, as long as you want me to."

"I always want you. That will never change"

Cas let out a long breath, releasing some of his fears.

"Thank you. I needed to hear that." Cas confessed. Dean kissed his bare chest and started moving up to go back to his side when Cas stopped him and pulled him back on top of him.

"Stay" he commanded.

As they began drifting off again, Dean murmured "Love you so damn much"

~~~

3 weeks later, Dean was taking a shower as he felt his dick getting hard. This hadn’t happen in months, not since Lucifer. Even when he was alone, it was like his body has shut down. When he was making out with Cas, he was always so turned on, but he wouldn't get hard. He was too afraid and his body felt it.

But now his dick was hard, and he was touching it, for the first time in so long. He let out a moan as his fist wrapped around his length, and he began moving lightly. The water and soap made it easy and slick and it was just so good he felt like he was high. After a few strokes he was already panting, but he stopped. He didn't want to do it this way. He wanted Cas. 

In bed, Cas was already settled and reading a book, as Dean climbed next to him, immediately starting to cuddle and interrupt Cas from reading. Cas rolled his eyes but after a few minutes put his book down and gave his full attention to Dean, who attacked his mouth instantly.

He pushed his tongue inside Cas's mouth, exploring and licking the roof of his mouth, his tongue, sucking it lightly and then more fiercely.   
Cas was panting by the time they pulled apart. He looked into Dean's eyes and there was something there, lust? He couldn't really tell, but it was different.  
Before he could say anything, Dean beat him to it.

"Cas, I want you to touch me" 

Cas put his hands on Dean's back, pulling him closer and going in for another kiss, but Dean stopped him and shook his head. He grabbed Cas's hand and without any warning, placed it over his boxers, making him feel his hard cock. Cas gasped.

"Do you want to…?" Dean wasn't sure. 

Cas hadn't moved, his eyes were closed. Eventually he opened them and Dean could see fire in him.

"I want to." Cas confirmed the obvious. "Are you sure?" 

"I'm sure. Just… only your hand, Cas." Dean was embarrassed as he wasn't normally used to talking about the sex he was gonna have, only dirty talk, but definitely not planning out the sex and having rules for it. But he needed it to feel safe and be able to let go. Cas nodded in agreement. 

"Of course" he breathed and began moving his hand along Dean's length, a few times, until Dean said in a low voice "Need to feel you…" and Cas used both his hands to pull down Dean's boxers. 

It was the first time he saw Dean this naked, his cock hard and his body waiting for him to touch it.

"You're so beautiful, Dean" he praised as he locked lips with him, finding his tongue and sucking it, one hand holding Dean's strong arms, and the other snaked in between their bodies, holding his throbbing cock, massaging, feeling its way. 

Dean was moaning loudly into his mouth, he was already slick with precome. It was so long since he had an orgasm, he was afraid he was gonna burst in 10 seconds.

Cas stroked his dick in long motions, twisting his hand and squeezing at the head, then going back down to his shaft, holding it, and fondling his balls.   
Dean growled and Cas moved from his lips to his neck, licking and biting.

"fuck, Cas, fuck" Dean was in heaven.

"Your hand is amazing, Cas, jesus" Dean was fucking into Cas' hand, and after a while he wanted to feel him too. Cas was still in his boxers and Dean reached over and helped him lose them. He looked at Cas' cock, and Cas gave him a concerned look, afraid he might have flashbacks. But then Dean reached for his him, holding him firm in his hand, making Cas growl and grab Dean's shoulder.

They were now both stroking each other's cocks, sweating and panting and so so hard. 

But Dean needed Cas's body.

"Get on top of me, baby" he asked Cas, who did as he was told. He climbed on top of Dean, straddling his hips in a sitting position, their cocks slotting together perfectly. They were both slick with both of their precome, and Cas was now stroking them fast and tight, his fist being a heated wet tunnel for their cocks to brush together and into that tight fit.

"Fuck, fuck, Cas" Dean was repeating over and over, his hands on Cas' hips, holding him in place. Their eyes were locked on each other the entire time, and Cas was loving the way Dean's face was so red, his lips spit slicked and shiny, his green eyes looking at him through his long lashes, full of trust and love and lust.

"I love you so much" Cas said and began to increase his pace, feeling Dean's cock hard as a rock, his balls pulling up and after a few more strokes Dean was coming all over himself in a loud growl, his back arching off the mattress, his whole body seemed like it lost all control; he was floating. 

Cas was almost there moments ago, and Dean's orgasm sent him over the edge as well, as he jerked himself off and came all over Dean's belly. He kept stroking both their cocks lazily until they became overly sensitive, and then he collapsed on top of Dean.

Dean wrapped his legs around Cas and put his arms around him.

After a few moments of regaining his breath, Cas pulled away to look into Dean's eyes.

"Are you ok?" he needed to make sure. Fortunately, Dean was smiling and looking blissed.

"More then OK. You were amazing." Dean's love and adoration for Cas was pouring out of him and Cas could feel it. He kissed Dean's lips softly, over and over.

"I love you, Dean. I'm so lucky so have you" he went on to kiss Dean's cheeks, forehead, nose, neck, and any spot he could find. When he was done, he looked back to see tears spilling out of Dean's eyes. 

"what's wrong?" Cas asked in the sweetest voice ever, making Dean's heart grow even bigger in his chest.

"I'm just happy, baby, that's all. Sorry for being a sap." Dean bit his lip in shame. Cas rolled his eyes at him. He would never think any less of Dean if he cried in front of him, and Dean knew it.

"I love you, you big sap" Cas said sarcastically, and Dean smiled.

"yeah, yeah…" Dean said with a satisfied grin. 

But after a second he let his walls down again, unable to hide from Cas, not wanting to hide anymore, and so he added in a soft tone,  
"You're the love of my life, Cas" 

The end


End file.
